Restoration in the Hard Places

I wish I could say this whole restoration process was a one and done exercise.  But it’s not.  This is a lifetime process.  Somedays it is 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.  Some days it feels like pain just a lot of pain.  But then there are days that you see a glorious light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

But that is not today for me.

Today is the 2 steps back.

This moment hurts.

This is where my soul remembers that familiar ache of helplessness and pain, so much pain.  But this pain that I hold in my soul is not mine,  it is someone else’s.  But I feel it all the same as if it were mine.  Because it is my child.  

My heart aches for my child.  As I sat with this beautiful child of mine last night, she told me some of the worries that bounces around her head.

Worries that an 8 year old should not carry.  Worries that most adults would have a hard time processing.  And as I listened to her, I realized that I could not reach in her mind and capture and quell those ideas and imaginations that torment her.  I give her tools and practices to release these worries but she is still young and doesn’t quite grasp these concepts.  I want so bad to hug them right out of her, but I am helpless to do so.

So I do what I usually do when I don’t know what to do, I pray.

I pray silent prayers of healing for my child.   Healing for her mind.  Healing for her body.  Healing for her soul.

I want her to see herself through my eyes.  I want her to know that she has been rescued from all of these thoughts.  I want her to see how much she is loved.

I want so bad to hope for her future but right now I am scared.  Scared of what the future holds for her.  

But I can not let her know that. Instead, I tell her that I am right there beside her.  I am loving her in this and through this.  I reassure her that her family is right beside her and loves her.  I tell her that I see her pain and I know she is strong, and I will be strong with her.  

But the truth is I don’t feel strong.  Because if I were strong enough, I could vanquish all of her fears with just my love alone.  I feel defeated in this.  I feel hopeless and most of all helpless.

But then I am reminded of the higher truth.  When I am weak, He is strong.  He alone is my hope and my fortress in an ever present struggle.  He is the one who heals with His love.

And I have to trust Him.  Trust that He hears the silent prayers of this heartbroken mama. Trust that He will heal his precious child.  And trust Him to heal her in whatever way He sees fit.

I have nothing left but to trust my God and my Savior.